I held a woman once, who was not mine to hold. She was the friend of a friend who trusted me enough not to get angry when she kissed another girl.
I was not angry. I just wanted to kiss her too.
And I did…
And I held her like I had never expected to. Like I was supposed to.
It may have not meant a goddamn thing to her but I held her. And she held me back and It was good.
I may not even be a blip on her Life’s Radar but it began, for me, a decade of contemplation on the Nature of Lust.
As most of my Faithful Readers know, I hardly ever write, or even talk about SEX, even though SEX has been one of the Defining and All-Powerful aspects of my life.
I have managed to pay my rent, buy my groceries, break a Good woman’s heart, Destroy a church, conceive children, found a Religion, change lives, and kill a vacuum cleaner…All at the end of my SEX…
But yet, as a rule of thumb, I hesitate to discuss my SEXual proclivities in Public. Especially, now that I am older and not nearly the King of All Sluts as I used to be, it just seems Untoward.
If I ever get caught discussing the Sensual Nature of the Pleasures of the Flesh, it is usually through the eyes of a character I have created.
A midget with tendencies toward Sadomasochism, a honeymoon couple, an unfaithful Poetess with emerald green eyes…anything but me.
But this woman was Real. She was no figment of my fertile imagination.
She was solid, tangible, Fleshy, and real.
She would not be denied. Could not be denied, even today…
I am still friends with the friend but have since lost touch with this Woman.
She was not the First nor will she ever be the Last.
She, as all the others, holds a special place in my heart and Mind. They were all Special. Not just special but almost Divine.
In my mind, they have all become One…
One Woman encompassing all. A giant conglomeration of Legs, and Breasts, and Thighs, and Whispers, and Promises, and Kisses, and reaching to Her side of the bed just to make sure She is still there.
Demigoddesses of Lust. Queens of Sensual Depravity. Harbingers of I will Never leave you.
I Worship unconditionally.
Some were Held. Some were Touched. Some were Fucked like depraved animals. Some fell in love until they learned better.
Some stayed for a while. Some ran screaming into the Night.
Some still pray for me…
Some have given up.
I remember them All.
I remember a shower under the stairs, a kiss under the bleachers, a dirty phone call from Your sister, the night we Only touched, and sang and sang and Sang…
I remember her crying when she Came for the first time, and how I cried when I realized We had just made love for the Last. I remember Your squeaky squeals and the way you casually stole my wallet while I basked in the Afterglow.
I remember hay in Grandpa’s barn, sand in Waikiki, and an exquisite park Somewhere in San Francisco where an actress Well over her prime pulled out her teeth…
I remember a man’s shirt over skinny legs, cocaine and carrots, a tool belt and Her husband in the next room.
I remember screaming at your picture on the wall, dancing barefoot in the dewy grass, and the first time She tried to hit me with her car.
I remember fourteen stitches, backstage at the Stones, and the Last time you told me you Loved me.
I remember Making Love to you from afar. Begging for just a brush of your fingertips. The caress of your Breath upon my skin. I remember trembling at the Thought of your attentions.
I remember watching you sleep but I was Only your friend.
I remember all of you…
I do.
I held a woman once, who was not mine to hold.
But I held her.
For a minute.
And she is Now divine…
